umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
