Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
