apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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