It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
