we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
