I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
