tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
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