my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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