just come out here and I will go home with you...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
