I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
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When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs speak an international language.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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