I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
