Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
