Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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