Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
