yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
