Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
