I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
