I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
