Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
