I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
