I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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