why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
