I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
