OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
