Whatcha textin bout Willis?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
