i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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