My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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