When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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