Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
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i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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