Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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