When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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