mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
