dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
