you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
They have beer where we have blood.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
