remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
