You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
