There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
