So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
