Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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