When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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