I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
