Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
