Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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