Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
