She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
