I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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