she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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