I just made out with a guy for $7.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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