Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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