my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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