life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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