I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
