FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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