she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
