i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
