everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
