you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
