Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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