big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm having to shit out rocks
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
