I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
