I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
