I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
